we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
