Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
