And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
