I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
