The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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