I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
