I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
