I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
