Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
