so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
