Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
