I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
