Someone shit on the floor
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He did a backflip because drugs
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
