Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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