so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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