I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
