I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
