I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
