im drinking this country out of the recession.
My hand turned me down
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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