he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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