Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
