he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
