I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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