I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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