God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
handjob tips. give me some.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
