.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
