Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
