just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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