I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
