walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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