The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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