Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Randomize
