I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
