Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
