I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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