TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize