Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
