It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Is it because I queefed?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
