I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
