I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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