Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
