I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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