how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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