um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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