Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
