so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
