I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
