I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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