Your tits are I can't wait for
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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