I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
