Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My balls are so social today.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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