my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So many bounce houses so little time
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
