I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
you never un-have a 4some
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
