They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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